Of the people who like to gamble, it seems like they can be separated into three groups: those that prefer gambling in land-based casinos, those that prefer online gambling, and those that don’t really care how they gamble. I don’t know why I wrote it seems when there really aren’t any other possibilities. Anyway, I’m one of those who prefer to gamble online.

Why on earth would someone prefer to gamble online? Well, I’ll tell you. First of all, I don’t like wearing clothes all that much. I’m not saying I’m a nudist. I own lots of clothes and consider myself somewhat fashionable. But clothes, generally speaking, aren’t all that comfortable. I wear them when I go places because it’s expected and because if I don’t I’ll be arrested. Also, if you never wear clothes, you’re taking away the ability of others to mentally undress you, and I would never want to do that. However, in my own home, if I’m alone, I don’t really bother dressing. I walk around wearing boxer shorts at the most and if I want to do a little gambling, I sit down at the computer and get to it. If I sit at a poker table in Vegas wearing my underwear, I will be escorted off the premises in a not too polite way. There are limits to this freedom at home, of course. If you’re playing online blackjack at home and then your neighbor knocks on the door because he wants to borrow your lawnmower, you should put pants on before answering the door. To do otherwise would be creepy, even if you’re Matthew McConaughey. On the other hand, if you live in Florida and don’t have a lawnmower, you have some sort of mental deficiency and shouldn’t complain about your neighbors.

Another reason I prefer online gambling is the cocktail waitresses. Yes, seriously. And no, I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.* The reason is that they are distracting. They bring me free drinks, which, after I’ve had enough of them, puts me in a mood where I want to gamble more money, and therefore lose more money. I also end up going home with strange women who I would not be attracted to sober. In other words, alcohol leads to bad decisions. The cocktail waitresses are also a distraction by themselves. They’re usually dressed in skimpy, flashy outfits that show a lot of leg, which is very distracting for me, especially if it’s the Playboy Bunny style with the pantyhose and the satin and all. If they keep walking by while I’m supposed to make a decision about whether to fold or raise, I’m going to end up making stupid decisions. At home, I don’t have to worry about that. As the result of being a sarcastic, argumentative malcontent with ridiculously low take-home pay, I’m still single, so I have nothing distracting me from my wagers, except for phone calls from bill collectors and the occasional sound of gunshots. I know what you’re thinking. I don’t live in the ghetto, not that there’s anything wrong with that**, but I do live near a shooting range.

Those are both good reasons for gambling online, but I guess there is one other reason that trumps both. I don’t live close to any good casinos and I don’t get paid enough to travel. For vacation, I usually go camping, but not in nice state or national parks. I usually camp out behind a K-Mart or a shopping mall. It’s the way hobos*** do it for free every day, so I do it once a year for a vacation from the rest of the world just to relax and take a break. It also makes me appreciate the finer things in life that we take for granted, such as bathing, plumbing and not having hepatitis.****

I can see why some people prefer the glitz and glamor of the land-based casinos, but it’s just not for me. I’ll just sit at home playing online blackjack in my room. Now, where did I put my pants?

*Gambling Review does not discriminate against others based on race, religion, nationality or sexuality, though we do occasionally make fun of people for all four. It’s not because we’re hateful. It’s because we like mocking others. It’s fun.

** Gambling Review sympathizes with the plight of those living in the ghetto. We do not mean to belittle you in anyway. On the other hand, if you don’t like it you can always get a job.

*** I’ve been informed that they’re supposed to be called “homeless people” now. However, hobos don’t have access to the internet, so I guess I can call them whatever I want, can’t I?

**** Hepatitis is a serious disease and Gambling Review does not think it’s a joking matter. Well, actually we do, but only because we feel that everything is a joking matter. If you have hepatitis, we are deeply sorry.

Tags: land-based casinos, online blackjack, online gambling, online gambling vs. land-based casino gambling

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