Go Online Casino really wants your business. After all, they’re the only company I can think of that barks an order at you in its title. I’ve never heard any companies called Buy Our Shoes or Wear Skinny Jeans, though there are some restaurants called Eat at Joe’s. But there’s more to Go Online Casino than a clever name. They’re also offering new tournaments throughout the month of August.

Beginning August 21, several new tournaments begin. The 20K Guaranteed Weekend Madness runs until August 25, where players join for a $10 entry fee and compete in a leader board competition on the Funky Chicken online slot.

A Frugal Friday online tournament is meant for cheapskates low rollers, who can enter for only $1.49 and compete for a prize pool of $1,000. The featured slot for the tournament is Eastern Dragon, a Chinese game featuring a dragon that does not frolic in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

The big tournament at Go Online Casino, however, is definitely Remembering a Legend. If you guessed, “is this another Michael Jackson-themed event?” then you would be right. Michael Jackson, who was the King of Pop before falling off the music radar only to become the King again after dying, is being marketed in every way now, including in the online casino business.

What Jackson has to do with online gambling I don’t know. Michael Jackson is best known for recording great songs (“Billie Jean,” “Thriller,” etc.) and terrible songs (“You Are Not Alone,” “Earth Song,” etc.), dancing while wearing one white glove, inappropriate relations with young boys, and having enough plastic surgery to make Joan Rivers seem natural. Never, to my knowledge, has Jackson been known for gambling or visiting online casinos. Also, he was filthy rich and ended up broke, so he’s not known for handling his money wisely. To Go Online Casino, however, none of that matters. Michael Jackson is marketable right now and can get people to go online to their casino, just like their name implies.

Remembering a Legend is a freeroll tournament, meaning there is no entry fee, though there is a $9 rebuy. It runs from August 21 to August 29, which is Jackson’s birthday. He would have turned 51 this year.

Egypt is the theme of the current VIP online casino promotion. The casino unveiled four new Crytpologic online slots on July 30, including Street Fighter IV, Savannah Sunrise, Area 21 and Cleo Queen of Egypt. The latter game makes two things obvious: 1) though the game is named after Cleopatra, for some reason Cryptologic didn’t want to use her name, and 2) Cryptologic is not a fan of commas.

In an attempt to popularize the new games, VIP Casino is offering a new promotion based on Cleo, where they state that the winner will be able to “live like a King or Queen in the beautiful city of Cairo!” The Middle East, of course, is known for its beauty about as much as it’s known for its hospitality, so I’m not sure beautiful is the first word that comes to my mind. And by living like a Queen, I can only assume they mean cause pain and suffering for your people while jumping from one tyrant’s bed to another.

The promotion follows a leader board format. Players earn 3 free points for every $10 they wager. The player with the most points at the end of August 30 will win a 5-night luxury vacation in Egypt.*  So, if in the east your pleasure lies, join the tournament at VIP online casino. Play as long as you want and mock the midnight bell. Winners will enjoy seeing the pyramids, sailing down the Nile and more. So have one another a gaudy night. If you can, get up early for a better chance of getting on the leader board. Remember, to business that we love we rise betime, and go to it with delight.

*Protection from kidnapping and beheading on Al Jazeera is not guaranteed.

If you’re like me, you probably think that the only thing more badass than playing online poker rather than doing something productive with your time, as the people in your life keep nagging you to do, would be to play poker against some of the biggest rock stars in the business. Thanks to UltimateBet.com, you now have that chance.

Scott Ian’s Home Game will be held on August 19 and player will get a chance to play online Texas hold ‘em against Ian (Anthrax), Jerry Cantrell (Alice in Chains), Vinnie Paul (Pantera), Kirk Hammett (Metallica) and Greg Tribbett (Mudvayne). Players can secure themselves a spot in the tournament by competing in the Daily Satellite competitions at 22:30 ET on UltimateBet.com. Players can enter for as little as 1,000 points and then have a chance to earn placement in the Main Event Qualifier. The Main Event Qualifier is held on August 18 and has a 10,000-point buyin. The top 10 finishers in the Event earn a seat at the Scott Ian Home Game the next day. Not a bad way to play some online poker.

Though you won’t actually be sitting at the table with the rock stars, players will have the ability to chat with the stars through the website’s interactive software. Just do your best when you’re losing money to avoid comments like saying you’re “Down in a Hole” or that one of you’re opponents is “Bleeding Me.” Please keep your “King Nothing” jokes to yourself. So pull up an “Angry Chair” and “Refuse to Be Denied” as you get ready for the Satellite. Play hard until there’s “One Man Standing.” If you miss this opportunity, you will feel like you’re in the “Throes of Rejection.” If so, don’t worry. “Misery Love Company.” Okay, I need to stop.