A few days ago, Gambling Review brought you the feast of ridiculousness that was the Asian Poker Tour’s open invitation to Lady Gaga. In the letter, the folks at the APT weave a simplistic web of grade-school puns, humor and unbelievably weak attempts at inside jokes to “entice” the platinum selling artist. To sweeten the deal, they made sure to mention in their open letter that Michael Phelps had been invited the year before, hadn’t shown up, and so they were inviting him again this year, but they still hadn’t heard from him.

I spent so much time laughing at the open letter to Lady Gaga that I couldn’t resist finding the one to Michael Phelps and posting it here for your and my pleasure. With cracker-jack puns like “Forget the controversy about suit changes in your sport, concentrate on these suits: spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts!” Michael Phelps is sure to feel as though he is turning down an invitation from his closest friends and not a bunch of Asian complete strangers.

My favorite part is when they joke with him about his being caught taking bong hits at a college party, an incident that cost Michael Phelps the front of the Wheaties box, probably millions of dollars in other endorsements and resulted in an ashamed public apology. “Some media reports even suggest that you may have got in with the wrong crowd in the last 12 months – we promise to keep you out of trouble.” I’m sure he appreciates that joke that must have been thought of in a twelve year old’s tree-house. And of course there’s no better way to keep Michael Phelps from using drugs than by inviting drug cesspool extraordinaire and class act, Lady Gaga.

As the cherry on top, they ask Michael Phelps to invite Barack Obama as if they swim together everyday at the same pool. Why not ask Phelps if he can invite Chewbacca and Iron Man? Surely they are all American celebrities with whom Michael Phelps is acquainted. A sentence like “Michael Phelps! Tony Stark is the inventor of the spectacular Iron Man Armor! But he would surely let Chewbacca win at the risk of losing his valuable arms which the wookie would happily rip off if he lost a hand of poker!”

Ok, enough speculation. Please enjoy the Asian Poker Tour’s open letter to Olympic Gold Medalist Michael Phelps below.

Dear Michael,

They say a week is a long time in politics and I’m sure you’ll agree that a year is a long time when you are a world beating Olympics legend. It now looks like that you are back to your best and congratulations on the new world record. Last year, we noticed that you had told your local paper that you were a poker buff and since then you have played in small tournaments at Caesars Palace in Vegas and been around and about on the circuit. In fact, lots of poker players claim you’re their friend but whether that is them using their famous bluffing skills is a different matter!

Last year you were in Beijing for the Olympics and we encouraged you to head down to the Asian Poker Tour Macau event at the StarWorld. We heard positive noises but there was no sign of the human dolphin when they called ’shuffle up and deal.’ We would like to extend this invite once again to you to come, all expenses paid, and take part in this showpiece poker event. The Main Event is in Macau between the 20 – 23rd August but the 12 day festival of poker starts on August 12th so let us know!

Forget the controversy about suit changes in your sport, concentrate on these suits: spades, clubs, diamonds and hearts! Forget your rivalry with Milorand Cavic, how about a heads-up game with the legendary Johnny Chan or modern day poker icon JC Tran? We know you couldn’t make the meeting with the Pope but how about a meeting of poker minds in Macau?

Some media reports even suggest that you may have got in with the wrong crowd in the last 12 months – we promise to keep you out of trouble. We’ll give you access to pools of sharks, fish and those that you swim in! If you don’t want to bring your goggles, fair enough, bring a pair of sunglasses and your poker face! While you are at it, you could ask a certain poker playing President by the name of Barack Hussein Obama II if he fancies joining you!

The question remains is the newly rejuvenated human dolphin really a fish? We hope to find out!

Best Wishes

The Asian Poker Tournament